The beginning of December, 2nd to 8th, is ‘National Grief Awareness Week’.
Throughout the latter part of the autumn months as we wrap up warm and tiptoe into
winter, we ‘societally’ look forward to festive celebrations. We spend our time preparing for,
and enjoying (or not), the various events and gatherings that are on offer throughout
November and December in the lead up to the big event…….. Christmas Day!
However, for some, this can be a difficult time of year, especially if you are missing loved
ones. December and all that it brings with it; for example, socialising, family gatherings, the
end of a year and start of a new one, ‘ring out the old and bring in the new’, can feel
particularly daunting, if not distressing, if you are experiencing sadness and loss. This might
be the loss of a person, relationship, pet, job, or even the loss of self and identity. It could
even be the loss of connection and attachment to ‘normal’ routines over the festive period.
Struggling to ‘put on a brave face’ when we are grieving or experiencing a sense of loss,
takes huge amounts of energy and the effort of it, can feel isolating and lonely.
Although, in theory, there are different stages of grief, we may not experience them all, and
the process doesn’t have to be linear. Just as we are different to each other, so is the way
that we grieve. This can sometimes be difficult to understand for those around us who are
trying to support us through difficult times. Grief can feel debilitating, and it can be difficult
to accept that it is a healthy and adaptive process of healing; it is the natural reaction to loss.
It is the body and minds way of healing wounds caused by a loss of something precious.
Grief can present itself as a lot of different emotions and it’s important to acknowledge that
the cycle/stages of grief and how the person responds to it is unique and personal; it can be
linear, backwards and forwards and you can return to stages you thought you had ‘got
through’. The mental, physical and emotional response is one of many different reactions in
our mental and physical states.
Essentially, when we are struck by grief, we are experiencing a loss that involves change. As
we move into and through the grieving process we are attempting to adapt or become used
to new circumstances that we find ourselves in. Reactions to this, might present as anger,guilt, anxiety, stress, sadness and despair, disturbed or irregular sleeping patterns, changes
in appetite; eating more or less, health issues, tiredness and fatigue, low immune
functioning and pre-existing flare ups.
Social reactions may include having no interest in socialising, inability to talk about feelings
or talking constantly about the person or thing we’ve lost. Emotionally, we may present out
of character and have angry outbursts or dissolve in floods of tears, for what appears to be
for no reason; all of which are normal symptoms as part of the grief process. ‘Grief will
happen either as an open healing wound or as a closed festering wound, either honestly or
dishonestly, either appropriately or inappropriately’ (E. Kubler-Ross).
Despite the impact of loss, as we experience and process the stages of grief we can become
“us” again. Grief does not leave a person, but the person reacts to the change whilst
absorbing the world around them and therefore the effect of the grief becomes less of an
impact than it did initially.
So how do you manage the grieving process?
First and foremost, be kind to yourself and know that whatever time you need, and how you
work through it, is right for you.
If you feel unable to cope on your own, reach out, there is help at hand. There is a range of
different support that can be accessed, including bereavement counselling.
Counselling after a loss can be hugely beneficial. You can explore emotions surrounding your
loss and learn healthy coping mechanisms. This may help to prevent negative thoughts
forming a strong hold. Therapy sessions can help to understand and accept the reality of the
loss, work through the pain and grief, help to adjust to an environment in which the
deceased is missing, and find a personal and meaningful connection with the deceased
while embarking on a new life.
Talking about your grief and allowing yourself to cry can help prevent you from getting stuck
in your sadness. As painful as it is, trust that in most cases your pain will start to lift if you
allow yourself to feel it.
Support from family members, friends and social support groups are all good options to help
you through your grief.
In order to grieve in a healthy way, we need to both spend time grieving for the person and
somehow continue to live and to function.
“You cannot prevent the birds from sorrow flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair” - Chinese proverb